The time draws near -

For me to cut my hair.

I’m shedding little blonde curly cues from the tips continually - I don’t know what sheds more, the hair on my head or the hair on my crotch. It’s funny because they’re like the exact shape shape - little circles of blonde and black.

Anyway.

Locks go through phases - the last one being the adult/mature phase, which usually takes five+ years to get to. My locks will be 5 in August (has it been such a short amount of time?), so I need to start looking into getting a trim. Which sort of sucks - my ideal was to have long Pocahontas locks to my waist, but with how heavy and unwieldy my hair is becoming now (and it’s like...right at the bra line), I can only imagine what a nightmare it will be if it gets that long. My hair takes over 24 hours to dry unassisted, (and right at 12+ if I use a blowdryer and towel the ever loving SHIT out of it) and I tell you - one of the most unpleasant things to do is to try and sleep with damp dreadlocks. Ugh.

So, I’ve decided to keep my hair at about mid-back length - ideally, long enough to cover my breasts with an inch or so leeway.

And yes, depending on how drastic the trim, I will re-bleach the tips of my hair so I can have the red back. I’m always surprised at how many compliments I get on it, and it’s become sort of like my trademark over the last few years. Shame I’m in the process of washing the red out so I can actually go swimming a few times this summer. Wee!

I’m regretting spending the $130 on the fitness instructor training at 24 Hour Fitness. It’s kind of gay and they expect you to cram a ton of information in about a week. Like I told the instructor yesterday, I can’t have this stuff conflict with my "actual" job, as I am only looking for a part time deal.

I was also not expecting to get into the pool yesterday, and I had a moment in the ladies’ locker room, looking at my unshaven body and feeling really awkward and unattractive.

I’ve really got to get over this "self-hatred of hair because having secondary sexual attributes isn’t popular right now" thing. Seriously, what is wrong with my healthy bush? Jesus christ. I like my guys with a healthy bit of crotch fur (gives me something to rub my face in and savor the ever loving wonderful aroma of dick), and I don't complain when I get the errant hair in my mouth.

....I will probably pick it out and wipe it on their leg on the sly, though.

And it's not like I haven't been completely shaved, either. I just didn't like the massive amount of hair bumps I got, the fact that it made me look twelve, and just...how small and underdeveloped I looked. I dunno why this is such an issue with me, but I think it has a lot to do with people going "ZOMG PUBES EWWWWW" and that just gets really tiresome, old, and immature. Nevermind the fact that I have solid muscle definition everywhere on my body, including the sandtrap that is my stomach. Nooooo, I've got PUBES and suddenly that makes me a freak. WTF, folks?

End rant.

Anyway, I felt better about myself and a little more at ease when I got home, but I was sort of pissed that I even felt awkward or out of place to begin with. I’m fit as all get out (even more so because I’ve really been watching the diet), but apparently these things don’t matter both in the locker room or in modeling, which makes me even happier that I’m taking an undefined hiatus from the latter.

I finally woke up to the fact that I’m not going to buck industry standards in like my lifetime, and there’s no point in giving myself a hernia over something that really won’t change my life at the end of the day. I know I’m still bothered, I still want to be attractive, but I have to look at the whole picture instead of my little world. Most guys don’t appreciate shit nowadays because if you’re prettier than usual or smarter than usual, that means you have to work, and most guys just don’t want to do that. Period. That, or they think having a nice body is a given. Because, you know, it doesn't take life changing habits to have a nice body. Not at all!

Their loss, I’m starting to tell myself.

I’m thinking one day it will be one of those things I can say in uptmost confidence, but I’m taking the right steps for once in my goddamn life. I just wish I could get back all the time I wasted thinking that I was so ugly and so worthless because I was surrounded by losers. I think the only good thing about all of that is that I’m lucky enough to have finally figured shit out at 22 rather than 42.

There’s such a need to be...adorned, too, that I feel like I’m fighting against. Yes, I have the tattoo and my nose pierced, but with the way things are going, I can only be trendy if I have my navel and my junk pierced. There was this chick in the locker room that had her cooch pierced, and I felt really childish for staring, but my head was this long Wilhelm scream.

Fine words coming from someone who wanted her nipples pierced, but I’m of the mindset that if you have a nicely toned and healthy body, you don’t need to keep adding paint to the canvas. Just a few finishing touches here and there if you ever really need them. Plus I’ve always just wanted this classical body - very Egyptian, very Greek, so piercings and stuff didn’t come into play. I’m pretty sure that the folks who get them don’t think of them as long term - they’re like, "Oh, this is cool now," and don’t think how that pierced junk is gonna look at 60. (Even though I'm humoring getting mine done, OH NOES).

Ugh. Imagine my junk, bare and shivering, and then with a ring in it. It would look like some sad old man with an eyebrow piercing.

I have my dad’s death certificate now. My grandma says it was a heart attack - the death certificate says heart disease. Same end, really, but hearing the heart attack made me think, "Oh, it was instant," so I guess that’s a good thing...but I find myself wondering, how does that kill someone? I know and I don’t. But it also said on the death certificate that daddy’s smoking definately did not help that.

I miss him. I had another dream with him in it. We talk like this, sometimes. He says he’s sticking around for a little while longer to make sure I’m okay. I think I’m getting there, to be honest. Getting there.

If I could just be happy with my body and not feel like I have to defend it.

-K!